Oldham Church Of Christ ....
Recently a young lady asked a question on a WhatsApp Group I created called "True Fellowship." She asked: "Why is divorce a trend and as a Christian, do you think it is right or edifying to sign nuptial rights and agreements?"
There are two parts to this question and I will attempt an answer to each part based on observable evidence and Scriptural truth. Based on Social Media reports, there has been an increase in the number of celebrity marriages that have hit the rocks. These broken marriages are representative of what is happening in the larger society. Sadly, many more homes are breaking than is reported.
The signing of prenuptial agreements has been human attempts to stop the bleeding. Perhaps, when a person considers what they stand to lose, in assets, from ending their marriage, they may reconsider and just hang in there. The question is: "If the only reason you are staying in your marriage is because you don't want to lose money, then can we say you are in a marriage or a business arrangement?" Moreso, we all have seen some of the world's richest people part with half of their wealth to be free from their conjugal bonds. This observable evidence tells us that money is not enough to keep a home together.
If you have been married for more than a minute, you can easily point out a number of reasons for the termination of many marriages. Some of them are:
1. Irreconcilable differences: The inability to agree on the rules of operation of the home.
2. Loss of attraction for your partner after discovering their bad and ugly sides: Thinking you've settled for less because your spouse is not everything you had hoped they would be.
3. Infidelity caused by Sexual Dissatisfaction, Greed, or Carelessness: The last straw that typically breaks the camel's back.
4. Imbalance between Contribution to and Benefits from the Marriage: When you keep giving and are not getting anything in return, chances are you may begin to seek an escape or appreciation from someone or somewhere else.
5. Unwillingness to put in the work that successful relationships require: Having fierce communication, dying to self, breaking bad habits, and building good ones can be insurmountable hurdles for some people in marriage.
In the first sentence of Leo Tolstoy's 1878 novel, Anna Karenina, he said: "Happy families are alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." This statement has become famously known as the Anna Karenina Principle. Tolstoy's argument is that every unhappy family or marriage has a specific combination of reasons for its brokenness while successful homes have certain attributes that contribute to their success.
Thus, to prevent divorce, it appears, from observable evidence, that if individuals who come together as husband and wife commit to a specific principle or practice, they will have a successful home. If any of these persons fail in this commitment, the fabric of their home begins to tear. Here are some identified practices that keep a marriage flourishing:
1. Communicating effectively and frequently with your spouse.
2. Expressing all the flavors of Love and Affection in addition to professing them.
3. Investing in Quality Time with them to do things both of you find satisfying.
4. Expressing mutual respect to each other.
5. Enjoying a certain level of financial security.
If a marriage can fail just by getting one of the factors for marital success wrong, little wonder why many marriages are failing and why prenuptial agreements have not delivered the desired results. Consequently, we need to find a more excellent way to build better bonds. And so we turn to Scripture.
Scripture tells us that no man can prevail by human strength (1 Samuel 2.9). Jesus Christ is the Way, The Truth, and The Life (John 14.6) and we can do nothing without Him (John 15.5). We live in a broken world, a cursed earth, and are broken ourselves. Therefore, we will knowingly or unknowingly do things that will jeopardize the quality of our relationship if we continue to run on our abilities alone. When we hand over the reins of our lives to Christ, we will experience His power to transform us, heal our brokenness, and deliver our relationships from the effects of this broken world.
If both individuals who come together as husband and wife make a daily commitment to Christ above anything else, even each other, that marriage is bound to succeed. Apostle Paul beautifully describes this assertion in Colossians 2.2-3 when he says:
"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God's great mystery. All the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge are embedded in that mystery and nowhere else."
So, what are some of these "richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge" that cannot be found outside Christ?
The fundamental reason marriages end is that one party feels shortchanged by the other in the form of infidelity, irresponsibility, or inhumanity. When we enthrone Christ as King in our lives, we no longer seek to please ourselves because it is Christ who now lives in us (Galatians 2.20). Surrender means handing over completely, coming to the end of self to begin to experience the fullness of God, and letting go of our ego and selfish ambition to experience the glorious gain of the cross. It is only in Christ that this countercultural model is found. He says, in clear terms, that the only way to live is by dying to self.
"If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me...Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat; I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." Matthew 10.39; 16.25 MSG
When you are living in surrender to Christ, you will receive power from Him that helps you prevent corrupt communication from proceeding out of your mouth. You will speak words that are filled with grace and seasoned with salt. You will bless and not curse, encourage and not discourage, gag your tongue rather than nag at your spouse. You will talk to Christ about your partner rather than seek counsel from the wrong sources. You will not strive to have the final word in an argument but will seek to understand your spouse and see how you can alleviate their mental, emotional, and physical suffering. Doing these will put them at ease and encourage them to talk freely with you. The more they talk, the more data you have to know what makes them tick and how to meaningfully relate with them.
"Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered." 1Peter 3.7 NKJV
Since our bodies say more than our words, your body language will demonstrate love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, meekness, faith, and self-control. Everyone gravitates to places where they feel physically and psychologically safe. A person who is living for Christ is a person who provides such safety. They do not resort to emotional blackmail to get what they want since they're not self-centered. They do not resort to financial abuse to gain undue advantage over their partners. They do not resort to physical abuse to subdue their spouse. Everything they do is guided by the Love of Christ.
"The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty." 1Peter 3.1-2MSG
We learn from the wisdom of Christ that being a part of something bigger than yourself can help you achieve what you would not have otherwise been able to achieve on your own. God created the Christian community or the Church to provide the support system we need to successfully navigate life and prepare for heaven.
When spouses are struggling with differences, they can lean on a Christian community to help them through wise counsel and accountability partnership. Young couples can look to older couples for mentorship. Old couples can learn new tricks from their young counterparts to add some spice to their marital life. When communication breaks down, the community can step in to mediate and hold both partners to Christ's standards.
As long as we continue to expect our spouses to get it right all the time, there will be a disappointment. When we focus on Christ, the author, and perfecter of our faith, we will tap into the richest treasures of wisdom and knowledge that cannot be found anywhere else.
God will use your marriage to transform your life if you let Him. Your partner will test your character in monumental ways. Your family will make demands that only a person who is looking to Jesus Christ can meet. There are days you will want to run away and never return. There are old flames that will be rekindled and you will be tempted to damn the consequences. There are many ways you will be bent, spend, and be spent for your marriage to succeed. Only a heart that has responded to the sacrificial lifestyle to which Christ calls us can have the divine power to sustain their marriage.
Does this mean they will get everything right like the Anna Karenina Principle expects? No! It means they will know how to find their way back when they miss the mark. It means they can rely on God's Grace and not live in fear of their marriage ending one day. It means they will connect to a higher purpose for their marriage that transforms the sacrifices into a delightful experience.
The couples who finish strong are those who apply Christ's Principles in their marriages whether they are Christians or not. We can prevent divorce if both partners commit to discipleship.
